And so here I am, home alone, brothers and sister at work or somewhere in college, mom and Dad some 13000 miles away.
I sit here in my living room studying for the finals which is starting in 2 days time and quite frankly speaking I am nowhere near ready.
It’s finally raining outside. Just drizzles of fine rain, not the cats and dogs type. And so I left the front door opened. It must be the combination of the soothing breeze, the coolness that the rain is bringing and the quietness of the house that got me caught in a daydream.
I miss mama. I miss ayah. I miss my sister, Nana – she’s so busy nowadays. I feel sorry for her, having to get up early in the morning only to get back late at night. Usually she’ll be so exhausted she’ll go straight to sleep. But she makes me proud. You’re gonna be a great doctor Ngah. Eman and Bean are both busy with finals. I’m left by my own taking care of the home and running errands. Eman helps here and there but I try not to burden him as much. I don’t feel it like much of a burden. In fact, I’m enjoying the works and chores. I just feel pressed for time.
The semester is finally over (not accounting the finals) and I’m feeling the heat. I miss classes. I miss my friends. It is hard to know that all of them are not going to be by my side fighting the same battle anymore.
I miss dancing. I miss swimming. It has been almost 11 months I’ve gone without those two. Mostly because I’m busy. I shall resume those passions of mine soon. =)
It’s still raining outside. The light brown paved porch of ours is covered with droplets which makes it somewhat appears like a mirage. Looking through the gate I can see the road that lies ahead. No I’m not talking metaphorically. I can see literally the road in front of my house. I never noticed this before – the road is those kind of road that you see in movies (well, minus the cars) – with dead leaves scattered all over, trees on both sides...and when a car drives along, the leaves all terbang-terbang aside...just like those cheesy but classy cars adverts. It’s nice.
With this weather, and the surroundings, I feel like I’m in an English cottage somewhere in Europe.
And suddenly a familiar thought blew in. I have been so unhappy these past few months. A smile ceases to be a smile when inside, your heart is broken.
But today, today the breeze told me something.
“You’re gonna be okay. Thousands of smiles are coming your way.”
And so I close my eyes, basking in the breeze.
And I smile.
And they say that when you smile even when no one is around, that’s the genuine happiness right there.
Or it might just be that I am losing my mind.